Today the thought keeps running through my head..."when does it stop hurting"...it's not a physical hurt...it's an emotional one...I miss her...it's weird because I wouldn't usually see her on a day like today...but for the last 3 days I want to...I'd love to be able to talk to her...I know part of it's because I'm "emotional" this week, but part of it is other things...I have her picture on my desk...I like it there...it's from her days before she got sick...and the smile goes from her chin to her cheeks, and sparkles in her eyes!
I think of her kids...my dad and aunt and uncle...the 3 she gave birth to...she had 8 that she raised...and all of them were hers and don't dare say otherwise...but I think of the 3 that have her genes...and it makes me sad...I'm the favorite niece and favorite daughter of all...partially because I'm the only daughter of one of them, the only niece of one of them, and I've just decided that I'm the favorite of the other - it sounds better that way (in my opinion - and that's what counts on here! hehe). The 3 barely speak - daddy and the aunt don't talk at all, and I know that it goes both ways...neither of them are willing to sit down and work it out...(I think because they both have her stubborn genes - but I don't know that for sure)...I honestly believe if they would sit down (no spouses...no kids...no significant others of any sort), maybe a neutral 3rd party to keep the conversation going?...and talked...honestly and openly about EVERYTHING...including the "personal attacks" mentioned to other siblings, but never to each other...that maybe they could begin building a relationship again?...It kills my soul to think if my brother and I had a relationship like theirs...I hope he and I always work things out...As for my dad and my uncle...well...I think the biggest part of them lately is stubbornness in general...one says one thing the other says they are wrong...they leave mad...one figures out he was wrong and calls the other...and again things are "ok"...until it happens again...The 2 of them talk some, but I think communication is the biggest "problem" overall with the 3 of them...that's my personal opinion...I know she would want them to have a close relationship... All of her kids - 7 of the 8 had a good "relationship" the last week she was alive...I think that made it easier for her to let go and be with Jesus...cause her kids were together again...it kills my soul to see how it's fallen apart since then...
I think that's what I would want to talk to her about...how do I fix this?...can I fix this?...is it possible to make it better?...I think deep down it bothers all 3 of them...not that any of the 3 of them would talk about it...
How is it the snot nosed kid they all three used to all spank and fuss at (on the rare occasion I needed it), is the one that can see there is a problem...they are supposed to be the grown ups, and me the kid...so far as our relationships go...right?...I know...I'm an adult now...but it just seems things are all mixed up right now!
Maybe all it needs is time...? I don't know...in my 27 years I've never seen time alone fix problems...but maybe time will lead to the needed communication...?
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